Dear Christine,
I’m a young just out gay man. My question is, do all gay men have anal sex? When I goggled that to find some answers, it just took me to porn sites and sex toys. So far, I’m a virgin to that and the truth is, I can’t see myself ever doing that. I know I’m gay. I’ve only ever been attracted to men. My experience is limited to the one boy I kissed in high school. It never went farther than kissing. I just have no desire to experience anal sex as the receiver or the giver. I seriously am just coming out. Where can I find this info? I don’t even know any gay men well enough to ask. I’m afraid to start dating or go to a bar. I want to date men, I’m just a little nervous of what’s expected of me when intimacy begins.
Signed, Unsure at University of Michigan
Dear Unsure,
The quick answer to your question is there is no one thing that all gay men do, or don’t do. Humanity is predictably unpredictable and there’s a myriad ways that we express ourselves, gay or straight, male or female. In fact short list doesn’t begin to cover all the ways in which humanity expresses themselves. As far as sexuality goes, there’s an ever-growing list of letters that stand for non-straight people: LGB is where it started: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual. Then we began to include Transgender, and kept adding letters so now I’ve seen LGBTQLFTSQIAP. All that stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual Transgender, Queer, Leather, Fetish, Two Spirits Questioning, Intersex, Asexual and finally Polyamorous. Sexuality is multifaceted and each person expresses their desires, fantasies and feelings differently. So, do all gay men have anal sex? No. Some do, and some others do not. Will you get hit on by men who want to have anal sex with you? Probably. It’s not the first thing you need to tell someone that you’re interested in. In fact, unless you’re on Grindr, you probably want to wait a bit to get to know each other emotionally and socially before talking about sexual positions and preferences!
There are some good resources in books and on the Internet that you might find helpful to expand your knowledge about sex and gay sex in particular. First, check out Savage Love, a blog on www.thestranger.comat Seattle’s Only Newspaper. His blog answers readers questions of all types and kinds of sexuality about all kinds of issues and wonderings about sex. He’s blunt and often funny and a good educator.
An author I’d recommend is Debby Herbenik, a sex educator and researcher with the University of Indiana and the Kinsey Institute. One of her books, this one with Grant Stoddard, is “Great in Bed” which is in print and is an ebook on Amazon. It’s written for new lovers as well as couples that have been together forever, to enhance their relationship and intimacy. She also wrote “Sex Made Easy: Your Awkward Questions Answered–For Better, Smarter Amazing Sex.”
A key component in any intimate relationship is communication that is based in mutual trust and respect. As you begin to meet men you’re attracted to, remember that you don’t have to do anything that you’re not comfortable doing. If you aren’t ready or just don’t like something, let your partner know, with words, or with your hand, or your body. Finding someone with whom you are emotionally and sexually compatible may take some time and experience. When you feel turned on, and safe, you may want to try things you never expected to try, and you may like them. And if you don’t, please communicate that, for your sake and for the relationship. Welcome to being out!
Christine C. Cantrell, PhD
1026 W. 11 Mile Rd,
Suite C
Royal Oak, MI 48067
248-591-2888
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