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Dear Christine, Worried in Westland

  • Posted on December 31, 2016 at 12:35 pm

Dear Christine, Ok, I recently hooked up with my gay friend at his Holiday party and the whole situation is a little complicated. Everyone who knows about this says im gay when I think im still more bi-curious (more than a little actually) and whats bothering me is despite the fact the we said we we’re going to take all this slow, it feels almost like he’s trying to push me faster than im comfortable with emotionally. We’ve already experimented in more physical ways (not the big physical stuff, just experimenting) and im perfectly fine with it, but lately he’s been laying some serious emotional stuff on me, telling me how he really really cares about me and its only been two weeks since we hooked up. With all this emotional stuff going on im finding it harder and harder to get into him anymore but I don’t want to hurt him because we work together and have been friends for years and im afraid if I do hurt him he’s going to do something stupid and try hurting himself again. Its gotten to the point im making excuses not to come over and see him despite the fact that just a few days ago I wanted nothing more than to be over there as much as possible. What do you make of it, im confused and I don’t want to hurt him. Do you have any advice? Im scared because he’s really turning me off to him and I don’t want to hurt him but he’s just getting emotional too fast. one last thing id like to mention, im the physically clingy one who always wants to be close/cuddle he’s the more emotional one and he’s looking for a steady relationship, but as I mentioned I think im still in the bi-curious experimentation phase so I really don’t want to enter into a relationship till im 100% sure about all this.

Worried in Westland

Dear Worried,

Yes, please, do talk with him! Be completely honest and let him know that he’s going too fast for you and that you care about him and don’t want to be rejecting him and being the one to put the brakes on this relationship. If you have a friendship and he understands that you really do want to try this, and you do not want to hurt him, but need a slower pace, he’ll get it and give you some space. It sounds to me like he is in danger of driving you with the emotional pressure. Ask him if your being more physically clingy is giving him the wrong message about your bi-curious experimentation, since he’s ready for a relationship.

Communication is of major importance, but so rarely happens in hookups, and then one or the other is emotionally hooked, and the hurt begins. Remember, if you allow yourself, and he allows himself, to be truly vulnerable to each other and you are open and honest, not just physically, but also emotionally, you WILL get hurt. It’s not a case of “if” you will hurt him; only “when”, and vice versa. Knowing this hurt will definitely happen may help you keep your guard up a bit, and move a little slower.

This definitely has the ingredients for a messy ending, since you both work together. My biggest concern is that there’s been a lot of experimenting and interaction with too little conversation about what each of you can handle at this point. At what point does a hook-up turn into a relationship? When you both are honest about what you are actually doing with each other, and what you really need and want, and what you can’t have. Then, you’re going a lot deeper than any hook-up is meant to go. So, please talk to him soon! And take care of you, and good luck to you both.

Christine C. Cantrell, PhD
1026 W. 11 Mile Rd,
Suite C
Royal Oak, MI 48067

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