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Dear Christine, De-Gay in De-Troit

  • Posted on September 18, 2017 at 8:54 am

Dear Christine, My boyfriend and I have a 2 bedroom apartment, and we’ve been together for over a year, and I’m so tired of having to “de-gay” our home before his mom comes over. I have to take down all our pictures, all our rainbow symbols and make the second bedroom look like I sleep in it, which I don’t. He’s really close to her, but doesn’t think she knows he’s gay and doesn’t know we’re together. She’s really into the church, and he’s scared she won’t speak to him again, if he tells her that we’re a couple and he’s gay. I don’t think that’s true. She visits him all the time here. It’s really getting on my nerves and I don’t think I can take this double life anymore. I’ve been out for a couple of years and it’s really hard to go back in the closet for my boyfriend’s mom.

Dear De-Gay,  I hear your frustration! It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t “out” full time. All I can ask of you is patience, and to keep talking with your boyfriend. He needs to make this decision to out himself to his mother in his time, not in yours. Talk together about how you each feel, what you each fear. Examine your own heart, and make sure that you are not violating a non-negotiable in your life. Must you be in a relationship with someone who is out to their family and friends, or can you find a middle way, as he figures out who he is and tells important others in his life? If it’s a non-negotiable, communicate that, as he needs to know what you need. He may not be able to meet your need, but at least he would know where you stand. Remember back to your coming out, or friends who struggled with rejection from family, and know that this is a process. Even if you believe his mom knows he’s gay, you aren’t going to convince him. It’s really important to listen, with love and acceptance of where he is. The only way change happens is when we stop trying to change, and instead just accept that this is how things are. In my experience, once I quit trying to change myself (or someone else) and let it be, that’s when things shift. So hard and so easy all at once. Christine C. Cantrell, PhD

Christine C. Cantrell, PhD
1026 W. 11 Mile Rd,
Suite C
Royal Oak, MI 48067
248-591-2888
Click here to email Christine.

Dear Christine, Explaining in Ecorse

  • Posted on July 17, 2017 at 10:13 am

Dear Christine, My partner and I are a lesbian couple and very active in the LGBT community. Recently I’ve been questioning my gender identity and I’m thinking seriously of transitioning from female to male gender. I’m not sure how to explain my gender changes. I was always more of the tomboy type. I’m coming to realize that I don’t have a gender identity crisis, but I identify as gender queer, and being explicitly male or female is not really the issue for me. Explaining homosexuality to our children was a challenge. They are 6 and 10 years old and they are fine with having two moms. The whole family is very accepting of our being a lesbian couple. Our parents are confused about why I want to change, when I so confidently identified as lesbian. How should I go about explaining transgender issues to our kids, and our parents and families? I find that gender clarity is very important to my family and society in general, but it isn’t so important to me.  Explaining in Ecorse Dear Explaining, My question is: is it necessary to undergo gender transition if identifying as male or female is not a big deal for…

Dear Christine, Single and Alone

  • Posted on March 6, 2017 at 11:21 am

Dear Christine, I am 35 and I have had 5 girlfriends since the age of 20 that each lasted between 2 and 5 years. I fall in love easy and seem to fall out of love instantly. I’m never sure when it’s going to happen or how long it will take but now that it has happened 5 times, I’m beginning to wonder why. Sometimes, they just start to get on my nerves after a period of time, other times, I’ve gone to bed in love, and woke up unable to find the feelings no matter how hard I try. I’ve walked away from some wonderful people (except for maybe 2 of them) and don’t know why. I’ve tried to prolong the breakup by faking it for a while hoping the feelings would come back but that’s really hard to do. I’m considering staying single. Is this common? Why can’t I stay in love? Thanks, Single and Alone in St Clair Shores PS I know the highs of initial love diminish, but this is something more than that. Dear Single and Alone, I wonder what sort of partners you have chosen in your dating life the last 15 years? Are…

Dear Christine, Fat & Frustrated in Farmington

  • Posted on January 30, 2017 at 9:49 am

Dear Christine, It’s a new year and each year I make the same resolution to lose weight. I am probably more than 75 pounds overweight and each year it goes up a couple pounds. My partner who is also overweight goes along with the plan for about a month and then gives in and gives up and starts bringing all the bad foods into the house again. It’s really hard for me when cookies and candy are in the house. I’ve given up trying to get her on board but do you have any suggestions for me that could motivate me to stay on track and stay motivated? Thanks I’ll call myself  – Fat and Frustrated in Farmington! Dear F&F, Motivation is tough! You need to know you and what makes you tick to understand how to stay on track. I had a boss years ago who knew diabetes ran in his family, so every time there were donuts at our staff meeting, he would say aloud: “do I want to eat that donut now, or do I want to see it in 20 years?” That was enough to keep him from eating one. Clearly, it is easier to avoid…