You are currently browsing all posts tagged with 'LGBT relationships'.

Dear Christine, Needing Privacy in Novi

  • Posted on April 21, 2018 at 10:52 am

Dear Dr. Christine, I live in a house with both of my parents. Lately, they are driving me insane. I have no privacy whatsoever. They go through my phone, and they involve themselves too much in my life. I’m growing up! How do I get them to back off? I was wondering if you could answer these questions: 1.) Why do many teenagers feel that their parents invade their privacy? 2.) Is there a reason that parents do this? 3.) How can this be resolved? Needing Privacy in Novi Dear Needing Privacy, Being a teen, dependent on your parents and trying out how to be an adult is a tough stage of life. Your parents, most likely, have your best interests in heart, and they were teens once, and they remember what they did. Parents are legally responsible for you, so they may invade your privacy, i.e. search your room to see if you are smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol or doing drugs. Hopefully they aren’t reading your journal (does anyone journal privately anymore?). Are they tracking where you go on the Internet? Do they ask intrusive questions? Do they have unreasonable demands? The best approach with parents is to be…

Dear Christine, All My Heart in Allen Park

  • Posted on March 31, 2018 at 9:45 am

Dear Christine, I am in a 11 year lesbian relationship (33 years old) and have met another woman(34 years old) ONLINE who is in a 15 year lesbian relationship. We have been carrying on an affair for a year via ONLINE and phone calls everyday, but have never met. Both of us are totally in love and are planning to met within the next 3 months. We have even planned on leaving our current wives (obviously something is missing from both our relationships) once we meet and make sure we are physically compatible. We have never met but LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH. Am I crazy for even thinking of leaving my girlfriend of 11 years for a woman I’ve never met? I love her heart, mind and soul……All my Heart in Allen Park Dear All my Heart,  I think this is another question that the writer wrote knowing in her heart what the answer for her is. You have thoughts that you might be crazy for thinking of leaving your girlfriend of 11 years for someone you never met? Does your girlfriend of 11 years know this? Is she aware that something is “missing” from your relationship? Have you…

Dear Christine, Finding a Donor in Dearborn

  • Posted on March 26, 2018 at 9:32 am

Dear Christine, Hi there, My partner and I have been together 8 years–our anniversary is this week– Yeah!!! Celebration time!!! We’re ready to start our family, and decided to go the “known donor” route so the child would be able to have some awareness of who their biological father is… Here’s the problem: none of the men we’ve approached (and don’t misunderstand, they’ve all been pretty together, gay positive men) have been able to “handle the idea”. They say things like “How could I handle having a child, but not really being a father”, or “I would feel too responsible to the child”. Geez, where are all the totally irresponsible men I dated before I figured out who I really am? They were only too happy to let ME worry about contraception back then. Why have the rules changed now? Talk about irony. We spend half our fertile lives before we’re mature enough to know who we are and what we want trying NOT to get pregnant and the other half trying desperately trying to. Sometimes, life sucks! Finding a Donor in Dearborn Dear Finding a Donor, Congratulations on your readiness to start a family! Yeah, the timing isn’t so…

Dear Christine, Depressed in Detroit

  • Posted on February 26, 2018 at 6:18 am

Dear Christine,

Gender confusion, Please Help!?

I am 21 years old, biological male, and suffering a from a very extreme depression. This depression has been quite a constant in my life and I’m keen to be rid of it. I know it’s stemming from the doubt, anxiety, and confusion that comes in the delightfully painful package that we call gender confusion. Mentally, at least, I’ve always been female. I’ve decided on two courses of action. Getting help from s’s many sources as possible in an attempt to fix myself and if that doesn’t work then I’m just going to see myself out. Talking me out of that part is pointless I might add. My life is a living hell and any alternative to living s’s a freak is highly preferable. I have spoken to a gender therapist already and they didn’t help. Just told me I should try and be a happy freak. 150$ a session and im never going back. So that is out of the question as well.

Sign me, Depressed in Detroit

Dear Depressed, What you are feeling is awful, but it is not unusual for someone who has Gender Dysphoria. Your body presents are one sex, and your brain identifies as the other. There is a disconnect that can be helped. You have the choice to accept this is your unique self and try to figure out what will make your life more livable and happier. Perhaps you will decide to take hormones, or alter your body to reflect physically what you experience psychologically. The other option is to not accept this unique self and be miserable. Suicide is an option that many people have taken when they don’t see a way to be who they feel they are on the inside. But getting some good, professional help would be worth checking out. Go back to the therapist you tried. Figure out what you mean and need to “fix yourself” and see if that is what the therapist can help you with. If fixing yourself does not include self acceptance but is only seeing yourself as a freak, then take a look at these pictures of women who are transgendered. Notice that they work in all sorts of professions and they have all sorts of ways of expressing who they feel they are on the inside. Not one looks like a “freak” to me! http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TSsuccesses/TSgallery1.html

If you really want to educate yourself about being transgender, also known as transsexual, please check out this website. http://forum.beginninglifeforums.com/ind. It is difficult when you are in such pain to realize that you can have a new and better life. It’s a struggle to come to terms with accepting who you are, but there are lots of examples out there of men who realized they really are a woman inside. The most recent one I know of is Bradley Manning, the US Army soldier convicted in July 2013 of violating the Espionage Act and 22 other charges after releasing a large set of restricted documents. He was exploring gender dysphoria as early as 2009 and in 2010 emailed his supervisor that he had gender identity disorder. The day after sentencing, August 22, 2013, Manning’s attorney issued a press release that Bradley identifies as female and request that the media refer to her by her new name and feminine pronouns. There couldn’t be a more public way to come out, but Chelsea Elizabeth Manning had been through it all, and in moving forward with her life, it meant accepting guilt for the charges, but also accepting her identity. She said: “As I transition into this next phase of my life, I want everyone to know the real me. I am Chelsea Manning. I am female. Given the way that I feel, and have felt from childhood, I want to begin hormone therapy as soon as possible. I hope that you will support me in this transition. I also request that , starting today, you refer to me by my new name and use the feminine pronoun (except in official mail to the confinement facility). I look forward to receiving letters from supporters and having the opportunity to write back.”

It’s hard to imagine a more charged and public environment in which to transition from male to female, but when you finally face your own truth, there is such relief at finally being at peace with yourself, it makes it worthwhile. IF you don’t want to go back to the same therapist, make a clean, new start and find another therapist who is qualified to work with Gender Identity Disorder and Gender Dysphoria. Don’t hesitate to ask questions about the therapists approach to working with these issues. Good luck to you, and write me again, to let me know how you’re doing. Christine Cantrell

Christine C. Cantrell, PhD
1026 W. 11 Mile Rd,
Suite C
Royal Oak, MI 48067
248-591-2888

Click here to email Christine.

Dear Christine, Perplexed in Pittsfield

  • Posted on February 12, 2018 at 7:00 am

Dear Christine

Could someone be completely gay from 13 to 18? so I mean always liking the same sex and not liking the other sex, and only getting turned on by the same sex, and have done things like anal and liked it… then at 19 onwards turn straight and not like the same sex and just get turned on by the opposite sex? can that happen because of hormones? so is there such a thing called the gay phase between. 13 to 18?

Perplexed in Pittsfield

Dear Perplexed,

The really interesting thing with human beings is that there is no “normal” nor only “one way” that someone can and should be. We are each unique beings, and we experience our sexuality differently, and that means there’s no one mode of self–expression is “right” or “wrong.” What someone else may do might not seem interesting or remotely possible for you, and that’s ok too. There are people who experiment with their sexual attractions in ways you may never choose to. A friend of mine was a radical feminist lesbian in the 70s and 80s. She used to organize Take Back the Night walks in the community we lived in back then. In the 90s she met a man and fell in love with him. They married and had 2 children and they are still together. Go figure! Some people go both ways, others only go one way at a time, and some find their own way to be. So, remember, just because a friend does something, don’t assume that’s how it is for you or for anyone else. That’s how that person is. You may feel one way today, and in a decade you may feel totally different. Or not.

Life is a journey of self–exploration. As much as I thought I knew myself in my early 20s, my early 30s taught me that I had pushed away a lot of parts of myself that I hadn’t been ready to confront, and for me, one of those things was my sexuality. I dated only men in my teens and 20s, but in my early 30s, I was falling in love with women and wondering how this could be. It took a few more years of looking inward, noticing my feelings and my patterns, some of which I had ignored for years because they weren’t acceptable in my family and in my church. Could all this change again? I guess it could, because at 40, I was amazed at how much the same I was as at 20, and yet how entirely different too! I am guessing 80 holds surprises for my self–awareness and identity as well. I’m content to live my life until then, exploring whatever comes up, not judging it, but just looking at and allowing it to be. Let it be. Christine Cantrell

Christine C. Cantrell, PhD
1026 W. 11 Mile Rd,
Suite C
Royal Oak, MI 48067
248-591-2888

Click here to email Christine.

Dear Christine, Tense in Trenton

  • Posted on February 4, 2018 at 11:54 am

Dear Christine, My partner and I are expecting our first child, a boy, due in May. We are both very excited but we are getting a little family grief. Both families have supported our lifestyle until now. Suddenly it seems like everyone is concerned about the future of our child. It seems that no one thought we were going to have children and now that we are, we are getting some negative comments. A little too late now! The family seems excited for the new baby but at the same time has told us that it might not be fair for a child, especially a boy, to be raised by lesbians! My partner is furious at our families and is ready to cut them off. I don’t know why they had to make the comments in the first place since like I said, too late! What can I do to keep the peace, calm down my partner and assure everyone that this baby will be a happy healthy child. Including me! Can we do this? I love this baby already and BTW, I’m the one carrying this time. You’re next honey! Signed Tense in Trenton Hi Tense, Hell no, I’m…

Dear Christine, Angry in Ann Arbor

  • Posted on December 24, 2017 at 9:22 am

Dear Christine

About two months ago my partner went to First Wednesday (at Rosie O’Donnell Bar) with some friends. I couldn’t go because I had to work late. Anyhow, the group met a new young woman who is just coming out as a lesbian. After getting to know this person, the friends and I are seeing something just a bit off about her. My partner, however, has taken quite a shine to her. I think it’s a crush even though this person is 18 years younger than her. I’ve told my partner that I am not happy about it and she says I’m wrong about the crush and she just sees someone who needs her help. There has been quite a bit of communication between them and I’m angry. Do I sit quietly and let this play out? Do I have a choice? We’ve had some heated arguments about this with no resolution. Just when things seemed so great!

Thanks, Angry in Ann Arbor

Dear Angry, Many couples I work with never really have a complete conversation about what the boundaries are in their relationship. They might agree if one of them “cheated” that the relationship would be over. But rarely is “cheated” defined clearly. They might also agree if one “hits” the other, it’s over. But what level of abuse is intolerable?

Women have close emotional relationships with friends and that can lead to “emotional cheating” which may not involve any physical or sexual contact, but can lead to a sense of violation for the partner (you). In this day of social media, people can have long distance affairs through text, FB, DM, Snapchat, etc, etc and never be in the same state! And long term relationships have suffered and even ended from such “emotional cheating.”

Your partner may be in denial about her crush and has reframed the interaction as helping her friend. You can’t “make” her see the emotional violation. You can keep flagging it and discussing boundaries and what consequences follow. You may not have included this sort of behavior as being a violation of your couple’s boundaries, but you can now. And then you need to let her know this is your new non–negotiable. And tell her the consequence of crossing a non–negotiable. And let her decide whether or not she agrees. Worst comes to worst, you may end up ending your relationship over this, if you two cannot see eye–to–eye about what is a boundary and what is a violation. I worked with a couple of lesbians together 20 years, who always agreed that if either one was going to cheat, they would respect the other enough to call and tell that one “I’m not coming home tonight.” One saw her partner fall in love with a younger woman at work over 3 months time. She tried to talk to her partner about it and was rebuffed. Then that call came one evening. The partner left at home was done and made it clear that their relationship was over. After a month, the other partner came to her senses and asked to get into therapy to repair their 20 year relationship. They came to a couple of sessions, but the one used therapy to be clear with the other that a non–negotiable was violated and their relationship was over. They sold their house and went their separate ways.

Another couple would stay in therapy and try to figure out where their relationship went south and mend the issues that allowed for one to become emotionally involved with someone outside the relationship. So, you need to do what is in integrity to you. Suggest neutral support, like a therapist, to help you two communicate with each other through this. Schedule time together as a couple in which you can talk seriously, but also time to have fun, too.

Christine C Cantrell, PhD
Licensed Psychologist

Dear Christine, Annoyed in Adrian

  • Posted on October 30, 2017 at 11:51 am

Dear Christine, Every year for the past 10 years me and my wife travel either to her families home for the holiday or mine. We trade off each holiday between Florida and Southern California. Either way–nice to go to a warm place! This year it’s her families turn–that’s California. I just found out, however, that my mother is starting to fail. She’s 89 and my sisters are telling me this might be her last Christmas. My suggestion to my wife is that we go to visit my family this year and double up on hers for the next two years. She wasn’t having that so I suggested we each go our separate ways, me to mine and her to hers and she’s freaking out. We are at a standoff with neither of us giving in. All I know is, I AM going to see my mom! I can’t understand why my wife is not being more supportive. Any suggestions? I’m feeling angry at her. Signed, Annoyed in Adrian Dear Annoyed, I hear you! We all have limited days and we each have one Thanksgiving, one Christmas and one New Years per year. How to divide holidays between your two families…

Dear Christine, Concerned in Canton

  • Posted on October 16, 2017 at 11:04 am

Dear Christine, Every year it’s the same thing with my wife. I love her dearly and really try to understand but I am struggling. Both of her parents are gone and so is a sibling. They’ve been gone for over 20 years but each holiday she becomes so depressed that it practically ruins our holiday. She makes excuses not to attend parties and events because she says she’s too sad. I’ve had losses too. My parents are also gone and have had my heart broken a few time but I just want to choose to be happy and to enjoy the friends and family we do have. I’ve tried everything to talk her out of this seasonal depression to no avail. She’s fine the rest of the year but the holidays from Thanksgiving till the end of the year she just chooses to be miserable. This year I choose to be happy so I am going to accept invitations and let her make her choices. She passed on family Thanksgiving, I went to Christmas Eve party without her and Christmas she stayed home. Am I wrong to leave her at home alone? Signed, Concerned in Canton Dear Concerned, I think…

Dear Christine, Nervous in New Haven

  • Posted on October 9, 2017 at 11:08 am

Dear Christine, I’ve been asked to do a 10 minute speech to my coworkers because I won sales person of the month for 8 consecutive months. They want me to speak at our annual banquet in late November. I have a secret that no one knows at work. I am terrified to speak in public. Last time I did it in college I got tunnel vision during my speech but somehow managed to finish it. At least I think I did. It was all a blur afterwards. Should I tell them and decline, or is there a way to get over the fear? I’m embarrassed by it. Signed, Nervous in New Haven Dear Nervous, Welcome to the club!  The number one fear that human beings share is fear of public speaking!  More of us fear that than death!  There are some things you can do to prepare and possibly reduce your anxiety before your debut performance in November.  Prepare, of course.  Know yourself.  Do you do better by reading directly from a script or using notes or an outline.  I just read an interview with Rachel Maddow of MSNBC.  She wouldn’t show the interviewer her script she reads from, as…