You are currently browsing all posts tagged with 'anxiety'.

Dear Christine, Reasonable in Rochester Part III

  • Posted on December 3, 2017 at 7:48 am

By Christine Cantrell, PhD, LP www.christinecantrell.com christineccantrellphd@gmail.com Dear Christine, I wonder if you have any good articles or references about transgender or more specifically, non-binary people that describes the uses of pronouns. We have a situation in our Indivisible group that people have taken offense and some are not understanding about pronouns. Sincere leaders are trying to mend fences and have withstood some kind-of mean attacks and their apologies weren’t accepted. We can’t get anything done if we can’t talk to each other. What would you suggest? Signed, Reasonable in Rochester, MI Dear Reasonable, This is a complicated topic, so I will answer in three parts. Part 1 is on Gender Identity Part 2 is on Transgender Issues. Part 3, today, will explore Pronoun Issues Part 3 When I was in elementary school in the ’60s, the school secretary was “Mz Smith,” with a distinct southern accent. The title “Ms” was popularized to signify a woman so that her marital status (Miss or Mrs) wasn’t known or wasn’t a focus of the interaction. In 1972, The Us Government Printing Office approved this title for official documents. You can’t go wrong with Ms, so that has become the standard default title…

Dear Christine, Cinderella in Clinton Township

  • Posted on November 12, 2017 at 10:40 am

Dear Christine, Sometimes I feel like Cinderella in my family. I went to college, have always been ambitious, have always been responsible. I got a great job after college working at a successful law firm, I saved enough money to buy my first house. On the other hand, my brother has accomplished nothing yet has the heart of my parents. He’s way too attractive for his own good and my parents have done nothing but coddle and support him. At a family dinner last week, my parents suggested I take on Billy when they are gone! I was too shocked to say, “oh hell no,” which Is what I was shouting in my head. I’ve always been obedient and good and never heard a word of praise from them, yet they lavish it on my lazy, live in the basement of their home brother. He’s 35 by the way. How can I stand up to them and let them know I don’t want to pick up where they left off? They are getting older and having health problems. I don’t want to be my brother’s keeper! Thanks for your thoughts, Signed Dear Cinderella, This is not a news flash for…

Dear Christine, Unsure at University of Michigan

  • Posted on November 6, 2017 at 10:50 am

Dear Christine, I’m a young just out gay man. My question is, do all gay men have anal sex? When I goggled that to find some answers, it just took me to porn sites and sex toys. So far, I’m a virgin to that and the truth is, I can’t see myself ever doing that. I know I’m gay. I’ve only ever been attracted to men. My experience is limited to the one boy I kissed in high school. It never went farther than kissing. I just have no desire to experience anal sex as the receiver or the giver. I seriously am just coming out. Where can I find this info? I don’t even know any gay men well enough to ask. I’m afraid to start dating or go to a bar.  I want to date men, I’m just a little nervous of what’s expected of me when intimacy begins. Signed, Unsure at University of Michigan Dear Unsure, The quick answer to your question is there is no one thing that all gay men do, or don’t do.  Humanity is predictably unpredictable and there’s a myriad ways that we express ourselves, gay or straight, male or female.  In fact…

Dear Christine, Annoyed in Adrian

  • Posted on October 30, 2017 at 11:51 am

Dear Christine, Every year for the past 10 years me and my wife travel either to her families home for the holiday or mine. We trade off each holiday between Florida and Southern California. Either way–nice to go to a warm place! This year it’s her families turn–that’s California. I just found out, however, that my mother is starting to fail. She’s 89 and my sisters are telling me this might be her last Christmas. My suggestion to my wife is that we go to visit my family this year and double up on hers for the next two years. She wasn’t having that so I suggested we each go our separate ways, me to mine and her to hers and she’s freaking out. We are at a standoff with neither of us giving in. All I know is, I AM going to see my mom! I can’t understand why my wife is not being more supportive. Any suggestions? I’m feeling angry at her. Signed, Annoyed in Adrian Dear Annoyed, I hear you! We all have limited days and we each have one Thanksgiving, one Christmas and one New Years per year. How to divide holidays between your two families…

Dear Christine, Sending Signals in Shelby

  • Posted on October 23, 2017 at 10:00 am

Dear Christine, I’m very femme. I couldn’t stop looking girly if I tried and I wouldn’t anyways.. I love my aesthetic of Curled Hair, Pin-Up looks. I have all kinds of “macho” skills but I appear to be a “Straight” gal to other Lesbians. I’ll admit I’m newly Out…. It’s always been nearly impossible to meet women. Even at an all Lesbian event women will ask if I “just broke up with my boyfriend”. Is there some kind of button I should wear? Is Femme really that offensive? I’ve heard that some Lesbians are into it. I would never change this about myself but I’d sure love to learn to Send out the Right Signals. Any suggestions..?? Sending signals in Shelby  Dear Sending Signals in Shelby, There’s really no right or wrong way to be, as long as you are yourself! Femme is attractive, to all kinds of lesbians, trust me! I used to serve on the PFLAG Detroit Board, and that was the only place I was “out”. I was disappointed that various parents who came to the table at various public events always assumed that I had a gay son or daughter! All because I wear a skirt…

Dear Christine, Concerned in Canton

  • Posted on October 16, 2017 at 11:04 am

Dear Christine, Every year it’s the same thing with my wife. I love her dearly and really try to understand but I am struggling. Both of her parents are gone and so is a sibling. They’ve been gone for over 20 years but each holiday she becomes so depressed that it practically ruins our holiday. She makes excuses not to attend parties and events because she says she’s too sad. I’ve had losses too. My parents are also gone and have had my heart broken a few time but I just want to choose to be happy and to enjoy the friends and family we do have. I’ve tried everything to talk her out of this seasonal depression to no avail. She’s fine the rest of the year but the holidays from Thanksgiving till the end of the year she just chooses to be miserable. This year I choose to be happy so I am going to accept invitations and let her make her choices. She passed on family Thanksgiving, I went to Christmas Eve party without her and Christmas she stayed home. Am I wrong to leave her at home alone? Signed, Concerned in Canton Dear Concerned, I think…

Dear Christine, Nervous in New Haven

  • Posted on October 9, 2017 at 11:08 am

Dear Christine, I’ve been asked to do a 10 minute speech to my coworkers because I won sales person of the month for 8 consecutive months. They want me to speak at our annual banquet in late November. I have a secret that no one knows at work. I am terrified to speak in public. Last time I did it in college I got tunnel vision during my speech but somehow managed to finish it. At least I think I did. It was all a blur afterwards. Should I tell them and decline, or is there a way to get over the fear? I’m embarrassed by it. Signed, Nervous in New Haven Dear Nervous, Welcome to the club!  The number one fear that human beings share is fear of public speaking!  More of us fear that than death!  There are some things you can do to prepare and possibly reduce your anxiety before your debut performance in November.  Prepare, of course.  Know yourself.  Do you do better by reading directly from a script or using notes or an outline.  I just read an interview with Rachel Maddow of MSNBC.  She wouldn’t show the interviewer her script she reads from, as…

Panicking in Pontiac

  • Posted on July 30, 2015 at 5:59 pm

Dear Christine,

I’ve suffered from anxiety for many years. It seems to come and go and lately it’s back with a vengeance. My triggers are things like being in line at a grocery store and feeling like I won’t be able to make it through the checkout without passing out or freaking out.For years, I avoided doing the shopping. The other trigger is being in a meeting with co workers and feeling the need to run out before they see that I’m having a panic attack. Unfortunately, my job depends on me being able to be in meetings.

I tried therapy years ago, used drugs like Xanax and Prozac. I’ve even used a shot of booze to clam me. I’m really mad at myself and don’t want to use drugs or alcohol in order to avoid a panic attack.

I’ve been dealing with this at different points in my life so I’m fairly good at hiding it but by the time I get out of a meeting, I’m exhausted and also relieved that “I made it”. I don’t want to feel the fear in the first place though. Is there any way, after all these years of it coming and going, that I could get rid of it forever, or is it something I’m stuck with for life?

Panicking in Pontiac

Dear Panicking, Anxiety is very difficult to live with and can narrow people’s lives considerably. People who have never experienced panic don’t understand how it can dominate your life, making it unlivable. Don’t be angry with yourself about it. It’s not something you are doing “on purpose” but rather part of how your brain is wired. Some people have panic as a result of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), like from a car accident or a robbery. This is an effect of theenvironment that has shaped you. Others have inherited it genetically along with half of their personality (half nature, half nurture). Some people acquire it from exposure to substances. I knew someone who panicked driving on freeways, so he avoided them as much as absolutely possible. Turns out he was a marijuana smoker, of 20 years or so, and the panic was a side effect of smoking pot. He was able to lessen the panic and be able to drive on freeways when needed after quitting pot for a couple of weeks. Paranoia and panic are common side effects of marijuana use.

There are cognitive behavioral techniques (CBT) that can help alleviate panic and anxiety, but nothing I am familiar with completely removes it. Some methods include Exposure techniques, in which you submit yourself to triggering environments or situations in small doses, using calming techniques you have learned in talk therapy. As you gain more control over the panic, you expand the exposure to the point where you can function as you wish.

Another CBT approach is through Energy Psychology. This group of techniques utilizes breathing, balancing the internal energy force the Chinese call Qi, and using Eye MovementDesensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). This technique is usually done in a therapist’s office, after you have learned some techniques to calm yourself (creating and going to a “safe place” )and learning how to process these panic experiences when in therapy and learn to therapeutically dissociate them when you are living your life. EMDR can be a very powerful tool in the therapeutic setting, helping you address whatever the trigger is, resolve whatever trauma might be behind it, and let go of it so you can not react to those triggers. There are ways to “do” EMDR by yourself, the way Dr. Francine Shapiro initially figured out how to create a therapeutic technique. She was taking a walk in the woods, scanning the ground in front of her feet for rocks and roots, to make sure she wouldn’t trip. After 45 minutes of walking this way, she realized that something upsetting she was thinking about at the beginning no longer bothered her. She had the wisdom and creativity to wonder what themechanism is that helped process that upset. She narrowed it down to sweeping eye movements back and forth while thinking about something that upsets you. She distilled thisinto a therapy technique, but you can replicate it any time you take a walk, swinging your arms and legs freely (not carrying a bag over your shoulder or in your hands) and simply thinking about what bothers you. I have used this in my life when cutting the lawn and thinking, for example, about a rift between my sister and me that felt unsolvable when I started mowing. Forty five minutes later, the lawn looked neat and I realized I was no longer feeling unresolvedabout the situation with my sister. Walking like this is a way of generating “dual hemispheric processing” or allowing thoughts to be processed by the more emotional right brain with the more logical left brain (to simplify brain processing!) through the corpus callosum, the bundle of neurons that connects both halves of the brain. This is, roughly speaking, what the brain does during Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep. That is the phase of sleep when we often have vivid dreams and are usually completely still, so we do not act out those dreams. It seems to be a time when the brain is connecting experiences of the past 48 –72 hours with long term memory associations, knitting new experiences in the fabric of our sense of self and experience.

Panic serves a biological purpose, even if your brain is taking that to an extreme. Medications like Xanax can help, as that is a central nervous system depressant, like alcohol. But, likealcohol, it is addicting and the longer you use it the more you need to feel the effect. Longer acting medicines like Prozac seem to reduce anxiety and depression together, but not perfectly. Often side effects and/or inadequate relief from anxiety causes people to quit this (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor) SSRI medication.

People who are anxious are generally encouraged not to drink caffeine and to get physical exercise every day, as the caffeine’s side effect often is anxiety, and the exercise can help dissipate muscle tension and sometimes provide emotional relief as well. Getting enough sleep is helpful too, as well as eating a healthy diet with lots of green leafy and colorful vegetables and fruits and whole grains.

One of the things I notice with many clients with anxiety and panic is that they are living in denial of something. For example, someone who is gay but in the closet about it to avoid fundamentalist family members from judging and rejecting them might often experience panic attacks. Also, it could be a parent of a gay or lesbian child, or some other situation that the parent finds distasteful, such as a child in prison, could cause the parent to hide this information from other family, friends or community, causing them to live a double life, and panic results. Living in authenticity, being fully who you are, brings a sense of peace and contentment, even thought getting there may mean you have to give up relationships or other important things in your life (job, housing, family, friends). Another example is a man who was a top salesman in his company, but was terrified of giving public addresses in board meetings, sales encounters and the like. I discovered that he also was earning a high income,well over 6 figures and he loved gardening. But in his neighborhood, yard work was hired out to the landscaping companies with uneducated immigrants doing the raking and pruning. Though gardening was an expression of himself and grounded him, literally, he only gardened in the back yard where neighbors couldn’t see him. Once, when he was in front, a neighbor drove up and asked to hire him for his own yard! That salesman was mortified!

So, if you haven’t tried CBT or Energy Psychology therapy, I recommend those techniques for those who don’t like using medications or those who have found medications lacking. Please be gentle with you, not angry. It’s not like you are setting yourself up. If this is the unique design of your brain, you need to find a way to work with it, not criticize yourself. You may have to live this way for your life, but you may well be able to find a way to make your brain more livable for the life you want to live. Take care,