Dear Christine,
My wife “Mary” and I have a beautiful, smart, well adjusted 12 year old son. When we decided to have a child we made a decision that we would raise him to know both of our religions as well as educate him about other faiths so he could make his own decision. This decision came out of a compromise we made years ago. “Mary” is very Catholic and I am a non-practicing Jew who didn’t want her son raised Catholic without exposure to other options. It’s turned out to be an educational experiment and we have purposely tried not to sway his decision.
Last night our son came to us and announced that after thinking really hard about it, he doesn’t want to participate in any religion. He said he thinks they are all just a bunch of made up stuff and there’s no truth to any of it. I’m thrilled about his choice, My wife is quite upset and is telling him he needs to continue to go to church with her at least until he turns 18.
Needless to say, we have a problem. I think he is old enough to make his own decision, but maybe that’s just because I like his decision. I’m trying to stay neutral but I want to defend his choice, should I push it?
Sincerely, Neutral in Novi
Dear Neutral,
How do you and Mary resolve other parenting differences? First, keep talking to each other. Second, keep talking to your son. Thirdly, respect everyone’s experiences and choices.
Your son is young to make this decision but he is old enough and has that right according to both faiths. In Judaism, 13 year olds may choose to have a Bar or Bat Mitzvah, making them a full adult members of the synagogue and allowing them be one of the quorum of 10 adults that make a minyan. (I just realized spelling that as “minyon” is one of the little yellow minions of the movies! Not the same!). Hebrew School is required to learn Hebrew and learn the prayers and read from the Torah. For the Bar or Bat Mitzvah, that teen must read and interpret a Torah passage in front of the congregation. A statement of faith may be required as well.
Catholic Church considers the age of reason to begin at 7 years old, when children make their First Communion. Next is Confirmation at whatever age the bishop decrees from age 8 to 16. Children attend Catechism classes to learn faith symbols, meanings, sacred rites and theology of the Trinity and Scripture.
Did your son have these opportunities in either or both traditions? Or did he just tag along to whatever his parents did or didn’t do.
These two religions have commonalities: belief in God, keeping ethical and moral principles and looking out for the less fortunate in the community. There are serious differences too. Catholics believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Christ. Jews are still waiting for the Messiah to come. There are some Christians, Jews for Jesus for example, who practice Judaism’s rituals, but from the belief that Jesus is the Messiah.
It is hard to transmit a faith you do practice, and harder still if you only “culturally” observe it. Faith requires an inward attentiveness to experiences that are beyond ordinary events, which bring awe, joy or meaning to the dark times and the wonderful occasions. Faith is experiential. Without that sense of sacred or something being bigger than we are, the rituals can feel rote, meaningless and empty. Teens and the elderly seek meaning in their lives that opens them to spiritual searching that seems less urgent in younger adults and middle age people.
If you both truly believe that religion is your son’s choice then you must respect his option, including choosing to believe in nothing. He is exercising his free will and you raised him to be a critical thinker and he is making the right decision for him, now. That was your overarching goal, even though each of you may have secretly wanted him to choose your choice. Know that his decision may change as he grows and experiences more life. Support his choice, but also support your wife in her loss. Forcing him to attend church till 8th grade or through high school will not make him suddenly find faith. She will need space and time to work out her relationship and expectations with him. Good luck to you,
Christine Cantrell, PhD
Psychologist