Dear Christine,Too Trusting in Trenton

  • Posted on June 25, 2018 at 9:32 am

Dear Christine,

I think once again I’ve gotten myself into a bad situation. I seem to have the worst instincts when it comes to trusting people. My first two girlfriends both cheated on me after a couple years together and my 3rd serious partner decided she was straight after 5 years. The latest romance went too fast, I know. I really fell for her and moved her into my house after only 6 months. I just found out she was stealing from me. At first jewelry was missing, then I noticed the cash in my wallet seemed less than I remembered, but the biggest blow came when I realized she used my credit card to make purchases. She has denied it all but I’ve given her the boot, Is it me, or just bad luck?

Signed, Too Trusting in Trenton

 

Dear Too Trusting,

Well, you can believe in bad luck, but you can’t do anything about that.  The common denominator here, as you stated, is that you trust people in a serious, committed relationship, living together an all, and then get betrayed.  Each of your ex’s may have a problem, but you can’t do anything about them.  You can only change yourself.

Self-awareness is the first step.  You notice a pattern, falling in love too fast and trusting too soon.  So ask yourself what you can do about this pattern.  Noticing it is half the battle, but doing something different remains.
Set up a structure that works for you.  Perhaps you could have a dating moratorium for 6 months, to spend time just being with you, not looking for someone else to fill up your emptiness.  Start learning how to trust yourself.  Figure out what you like and don’t like (as in “The Runaway Bride” movie, where the star didn’t even know what kind of eggs she liked!  She’d never really tried anything.).  Experiment with being alone.  See if you can enjoy your own company.

 

Continue that structure by not moving in with anyone for a year, maybe longer!  Then, once that time period is over, date, have a relationship, but don’t live together.  Protect your valuables and your heart!  It’s OK to move slow, though lesbians are not known for this pace.

 

You might consider dating like doing job interviews with various potential women, to see who will best fit the job of being your significant other:  be honest, open, self-aware, caring, loving; not cheating, stealing or lacking integrity.

Dates are an opportunity to ask questions and find out who this potential new hire is before giving them the job of girlfriend/partner.  Find out about her relationship history, which can be an indicator of future relationships.  Find out about her childhood and family background.  Does she share the same values and priorities as you?  How long has she been “out”?  Is this her first same sex relationship?  Is she financially independent and have a job?  Is she expecting a “Sugar Mama?”

Hold your heart back as you do your interviewing of candidates.  If you feel like you are falling in love too fast, pull back, slow down and spend more time alone.  Be totally comfortable with yourself before inviting someone to move in with you.  Because, if you are betrayed again, you will, once again, be alone with yourself.  Be good company to yourself!

Keep me posted and good luck,

Christine Cantrell, PhD
Licensed Psychologist
Christine C. Cantrell, PhD
1026 W. 11 Mile Rd,
Suite C
Royal Oak, MI 48067
248-591-2888

Click here to email Christine.

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