Dear Christine, Heart Broken in Holly

  • Posted on November 25, 2018 at 11:59 am

Dear Christine, I love her, but she assures me it’s over. She calls sometimes and makes plans with me and then cancels on short notice. I always get my hopes up and then I feel like shit when she does this. What should I do? What should I say to her? I do want to be friends with her but she makes that so hard, because everything has to be when she’s got time for me and then she cancels anyway. Heart Broken in Holly

Dear Heart Broken,
Oprah Winfrey once said “when people tell you who they are, listen to them.” If your ex still calls and makes plans and cancels abruptly, but insists it’s over, then believe the “it’s over” part of that. Words are easy, actions tell the truth. I hear that you are hurting and miss her, and that you feel like you are occasionally fit into her busy life, and hope keeps rising up, only to be dashed again. I imagine it’s not the description of the relationship you had with her, or that you would want with anyone. You can only make a choice for yourself here. Choose for it to be over. You can’t make her feelings change, you can’t make yourself her priority any more, and it hurts you to have these on-again, off-again interactions with her.

One of the things lesbians tend to do, other than getting the U-Haul for the second date, is we tend to be best friends with our exes. That’s fine, however, it’s usually pretty difficult to implement right after a break up, as it’s hard for at least one, if not both of you, to adjust to lesser expectations of each other, and new boundaries you aren’t used to and maybe don’t really want. So, perhaps after a period of time of no contact, you can check inside, to see if you’re ready to be squeezed into her life as a friend, at her convenience. Expecting anything more than that only hurts you right now, and at least you can stop that hurt by stopping the inconsistent contact. Give yourself a couple of weeks or months, to heal emotionally, move beyond that unrequited love, and get stronger in taking care of your own emotions. When you know that her sudden cancelling of plans with you won’t phase you, you might be ready to contact her as friends. Whether or not you both can ever be friends is up to her as well as you.
Meanwhile, take your time to be good for you, spend time with friends who can be there for you now, and get enough sleep, eat regular and healthy meals and make sure to get exercise. I’ve been recommending these things for years, and am pleased that Dr. Andrew Weill, who has promoted integrated medicine the past 30 years, has just come out with a book on depression and how to work through it holistically (including an 8 step program to do at your own pace) that includes these very basic, but necessary regular tasks of self-care. His new book is called “Spontaneous Happiness” and I’ve read the first 4 chapters on my Kindle, and highly recommend it to anyone dealing with break up blues, situational depression or severe depression.
Take good care of you, Christine

Christine C. Cantrell, PhD
1026 W. 11 Mile Rd,
Suite C
Royal Oak, MI 48067

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