Dear Christine, De-Gay in De-Troit

  • Posted on September 18, 2017 at 8:54 am

Dear Christine, My boyfriend and I have a 2 bedroom apartment, and we’ve been together for over a year, and I’m so tired of having to “de-gay” our home before his mom comes over. I have to take down all our pictures, all our rainbow symbols and make the second bedroom look like I sleep in it, which I don’t. He’s really close to her, but doesn’t think she knows he’s gay and doesn’t know we’re together. She’s really into the church, and he’s scared she won’t speak to him again, if he tells her that we’re a couple and he’s gay. I don’t think that’s true. She visits him all the time here. It’s really getting on my nerves and I don’t think I can take this double life anymore. I’ve been out for a couple of years and it’s really hard to go back in the closet for my boyfriend’s mom.

Dear De-Gay,  I hear your frustration! It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t “out” full time. All I can ask of you is patience, and to keep talking with your boyfriend. He needs to make this decision to out himself to his mother in his time, not in yours. Talk together about how you each feel, what you each fear. Examine your own heart, and make sure that you are not violating a non-negotiable in your life. Must you be in a relationship with someone who is out to their family and friends, or can you find a middle way, as he figures out who he is and tells important others in his life? If it’s a non-negotiable, communicate that, as he needs to know what you need. He may not be able to meet your need, but at least he would know where you stand. Remember back to your coming out, or friends who struggled with rejection from family, and know that this is a process. Even if you believe his mom knows he’s gay, you aren’t going to convince him. It’s really important to listen, with love and acceptance of where he is. The only way change happens is when we stop trying to change, and instead just accept that this is how things are. In my experience, once I quit trying to change myself (or someone else) and let it be, that’s when things shift. So hard and so easy all at once. Christine C. Cantrell, PhD

Christine C. Cantrell, PhD
1026 W. 11 Mile Rd,
Suite C
Royal Oak, MI 48067
248-591-2888
Click here to email Christine.

Comments are closed.