Dear Christine, All My Heart in Allen Park

  • Posted on March 31, 2018 at 9:45 am

Dear Christine, I am in a 11 year lesbian relationship (33 years old) and have met another woman(34 years old) ONLINE who is in a 15 year lesbian relationship. We have been carrying on an affair for a year via ONLINE and phone calls everyday, but have never met. Both of us are totally in love and are planning to met within the next 3 months. We have even planned on leaving our current wives (obviously something is missing from both our relationships) once we meet and make sure we are physically compatible. We have never met but LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH. Am I crazy for even thinking of leaving my girlfriend of 11 years for a woman I’ve never met? I love her heart, mind and soul……All my Heart in Allen Park

Dear All my Heart,  I think this is another question that the writer wrote knowing in her heart what the answer for her is. You have thoughts that you might be crazy for thinking of leaving your girlfriend of 11 years for someone you never met? Does your girlfriend of 11 years know this? Is she aware that something is “missing” from your relationship? Have you talked with her? Is she as unhappy and disconnected from you, as you apparently are from her?
Once I had a gay couple come to me for couple’s counseling, and they had drawn up a document that spelled out what steps they would take if the relationship were to falter. ( If only more couples would think about what to do when problems arise, BEFORE those problems surface. Sometimes it seems like couples only come to therapy to “prove” they have “tried everything, including therapy” which of course didn’t work, as they waited until it was too late…) Interestingly, the first step was to seek therapy! So they would make sure to be honest and tell each other the truth if the relationship wasn’t working for one or both of them, and to see if they could bring it back to life and love BEFORE cheating on each other or leaving each other.
You do call your interactions with the other woman online and on the phone for a year an “affair.” Perhaps you haven’t met face to face, and you’ve never touched each other, but you have definitely put someone else before the girlfriend you committed yourself to 11 years ago. Some relationships run their course, but I would recommend honesty, at least in the breaking up, even if it has been lacking the past year. Talk to your girlfriend, let her know of your unhappiness and give that relationship a chance to heal or die, but finish what you’ve started before moving on to someone else. Remember that it’s easy to be in love heart, mind and soul with someone who is long distance. The true test of any relationship is the day in and day out being together, not just when there’s an exciting reunion after a time apart.
Also, the Japanese call the “falling in love” stage “love psychosis,” as that early stage of falling in love for the first 18 months to 3 years, activates the “pleasure centers” of the brain, just like cocaine and other drugs. Once this “love psychosis” runs out, the relationship may die, as the relationship has to shift to deeper intimacy than chemistry. It sounds like you may have some issues of trust, intimacy and honesty, so keep in mind that whatever you don’t resolve in your 11 year relationship, you will bring into the next one. Good luck.

Christine C. Cantrell, PhD
1026 W. 11 Mile Rd,
Suite C
Royal Oak, MI 48067

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