Dear Christine,
For the first two years in our relationship we were really into each other as most people falling in love can be. The chemistry was over the top and though the physical portion of our relationship is still pretty strong, we both agree that we don’t have a lot in common or much to talk about even. We are different in so many ways. He’s a morning person, I’m not. I’m a vegetarian, he’s not. I’m an extrovert, he’s quiet and shy. He loves to bowl and is on two teams, I hate bowling but am an avid runner and bicycler, but he won’t join me. And the list goes on. We still love each other and the sex is great but should we try harder to find more common interests? I want to be in this for life but I also don’t want to wake up one morning and find we having nothing at all keeping us together. Can two people with almost no common interests make it long term?
Signed,
Interested in Inkster
Dear Interested:
So what is the problem? I read that you are two very different people in a loving and “pretty strong” relationship . What keeps you together these first two years? Chemistry? Sex? The fact that you both have your own interests and friends and ways of expressing yourselves, keeping you both from becoming overly dependent on each other? I hear you are worried about what the future will hold: how can you count on staying together if you are so different? I would be more worried about the your shared future if there were a problem now. For example, the extrovert can’t tolerate the introvert’s need for space alone. Or the runner resents running completely alone and wants the gregarious bowler to change sports. It sounds like you both accept each other and all your various differences and that’s success! You aren’t looking to the other to “complete” you in some way. You have your own separate lives, but you share the common interest in each other.
Keep making sure that you do have time together that is fun. Sex is a great part, but how about conversation? Values? Emotional depth requires spending some ways of connecting with each other in meaningful ways, not both of you being vegan. Sharing the same diet might make shopping for food and cooking together easier, but being different allows you each to share a bit of your world, your tastes and your unique perspective with each other. In this way you both expand your understanding and hopefully your appreciation of each other.
Until there is a real disconnect that either of you is experiencing, keep doing what you are doing. It’s working!
Christine Cantrell, PhD
Psychologist